The Barter System

No one ever told me that I would have to learn a new currency system when I had a toddler, but so it is. Toddlers, as you may know, have their own special sense of “mine,” whether or not they can actually say the word. Once Hailey gets her little fingers around an item of “value,” she evokes her super-powered death grip, and it’s nearly impossible to get it away from her. Unless, that is, you can offer to trade her for an item of even greater value. I’ve been honing my bargaining skills with her for the past few weeks. Just to give you an example, yesterday morning, she was running around the house with a pen. I decided that maybe that’s not such a good idea so I tried to trade her for a spoon. Ha, ha, clearly not good enough. Let’s try again, but this time with a hair brush…bingo!!! A hairbrush apparently has a greater value than a pen. So, Hailey held out the pen to me and then quietly placed it on the ground in front of her as if she were dropping a deadly weapon. Then, she promptly snatched up the hairbrush with her death grip.

Now, as with any currency, there are some items that have the highest of all values. Let’s call them the diamonds of the toddler world. What items are those? Keys (only Mommy’s keys that she uses, not any plastic or other substitute), cell phones (only if it’s on and functioning), and remote controls (only the ones that actually control the electronics, and they must have batteries). That is what I’ve learned of the toddler barter system so far. If anyone else has any high value items that I might use in my future negotiations, please let me know.

Holiday Blues

Around this time each year, panic begins to well up from deep down inside. That’s because it’s about time to start making holiday plans, and I absolutely hate it. If you know me at all, you’ll know that there are two things that I dislike more than anything in the world: 1) conflict and 2) disappointing people I love. Planning for the holidays has the potential to create both. Thus, I hate it.

With four grandparents living in four different states, there’s no way to make everyone happy and that causes me GREAT anxiety. Originally, we said that we would just rotate from year to year, but that’s probably not a realistic plan for a number of reasons. For example, last year we stayed home for Christmas which means that this year we should travel, but that’s difficult because I’m taking almost all of my vacation to go to Italy. The whole traveling to different places each year is also complicated by the three important facts: 1) I hate the idea of dragging Hailey through an airport during the holiday rush; 2) I want to start creating our own family traditions in our own house; and 3) I have a great fear of being stuck in the airport over the holidays. Still, I would put all of this behind me if I could make everyone happy, but I can’t! So, what are we to do?

The Parrot

Every parent probably has that moment when you say something in front of your child and immediately feel sheer panic as you imagine your lovely child repeating your dirty word or phrase over and over again. I've been particularly careful lately because Hailey has gone into repeat mode. The other day on the way to the doctor I said, "Hailey, did you make Mama a poopie?" Of course, she started saying poopie, poopie, poopie as we walked into the doctor's office (as if people couldn't smell it already!). So, I'm very conscious that she is a human parrot.

Well, this evening, I was cutting a jalepeno and accidentally transfered some of the hot stuff from my hand to my mouth when I licked my fingers like a complete idiot. I said a few unsavory words as my mouth was burning up. Then, I turned to look at my innocent little child sitting in her highchair looking at me. Thank goodness she was too busy eating to notice my indiscretion. Still, it's a scary thought to consider what might have happened. Honestly, I'm not much of a swearer, but there are some people out there that just have potty mouths. I guess their kids are the ones getting kicked out of daycare for saying dirty words. That's a sad thought.

Oh, on another note, I just looked up how to spell poopie because it's just not a word that I use every day (unless I'm writing a blog). Turns out you can spell it poopie or poopy...who knew??!?!?

The Walking Terror

Whenever I tell someone that Hailey is a year old, the next question is always, “Is she walking yet?” As I beam with maternal pride, I love to tell friends, family, and mere acquaintances that she actually started walking about a week before her first birthday. Here’s where the response that I get back differs depending on who I’m talking to. People that haven’t had kids or who had toddlers many years ago always respond very positively. People who have recently experienced the toddler years unanimously provide one answer: “I’m sorry.”

I used to wonder what their problem was. In general, she’s been no more trouble now than she was before she was walking. She can’t reach anything walking that she couldn’t already reach standing; so, she doesn’t get into any more stuff than usual at home. She was a pretty quick crawler; so, she’s not much faster walking (yet).

Unfortunately, this weekend I realized the fundamental difference between a crawling baby and a walking baby, and I learned it the hard way. You see, now that Hailey walks, no mode of transportation will suffice except walking. Alas, being pushed in a stroller or shopping cart is no longer cool with her. Nope. It’s all about the walking now. At home it’s not that big a deal, but when we’re shopping it’s next to impossible. I spent most of the weekend chasing her around various stores making sure that she didn’t start throwing glassware up and down the aisles. It was challenging to say the least. Luckily, I’m not a big shopper, but this means no more grocery shopping, no more Target shopping, and no more farmer’s market with Mommy. Daddy is going to have to keep her entertained at home. Either that, or I’m going to have to become one of those parents that I always scoffed at and put my baby on a leash!

This Blog Is Not for the Faint of Heart

Hailey has her first case of severe diaper rash. Actually, it's her first case of diaper rash ever. It started on Friday when she inexplicably started having diarrhea. It was terrible. So, pop quiz...what's the best cure for diaper rash? Ding, ding, ding. It's not wearing a diaper! I bet that you can already picture how I spent my weekend. There's nothing that proves a mother's love more than cleaning up her child's urine (and other stuff) off of the hardwood floors over and over and over again all weekend long. What joyous fun! I think that we have the diarrhea under control now thanks to my aggressive BRAT diet (that's Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast for those of you that haven't done this in a while). Hailey will be lucky if she can ever poop again!

PS: The picture is in black and white because we went to see the Annie Leibovitz collection at the High Museum today.