It's Mommy Time

One Mommy, Two Daughters, Zero Time

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Breastfeeding...The Ugly Truth

If anyone ever tries to tell you that breastfeeding is the most wonderful experience in a woman's life, just look at them and say "Liar, liar boobs on fire." Because it is a lie, a lie that is perpetuated breastfeeding extremists and Mom's who are so far removed from the actual experience that they have the same rosy yet warped memory about breastfeeding as they probably have about childbirth. Let me be perfectly clear...breastfeeding is not fun!!!! Nope, it's hard work, especially at the beginning. Just to give you some context in case you've never breastfed before, you can simulate the breastfeeding experience by following these simple steps:

  1. Go out to your garage, get the most coarse sandpaper you can find, take your shirt off and rub it on your nipples for 10-15 minutes. That's what breastfeeding feels like at the beginning.
  2. Wear a bra 24 hours a day for 4-6 weeks. You have to protect those tender nipples and this is the only way. Now, don't you feel a little less than fresh?
  3. Stuff two small watermelons (or heavy bocce balls) in your bra and try carrying them around all day long. Does your back ache yet?
  4. Drop what you are doing every 2 hours so that you can sit perfectly still for 20-40 minutes. Don't move or you might as well throw a clothespin on your nipple because the baby has just bitten it off.
  5. Throw away all of your cute tops that you used to wear because those won't fit you for a very very long time. Nope. It's time to invest in some XXL tops because that's all you can wear.
  6. Every morning be sure that you put a nice swath of deodorant under each boob because now that they hang down to your knees, you really need to be sure that the area doesn't get as stinky as you might imagine knee length boobs getting underneath.
  7. Finally, next time you are out in public or maybe at work, run into the restroom and splash some water on the front of your shirt to simulate the milk leakage that you get from time to time. As an extra bonus, you should get some sour milk and dump a little on your shoulder. That way you can smell spit up all day long.

If you think that I'm exaggerating, consider this...I was a C-cup before I had Hailey and Sophia. Right now, I'm an H-cup. FYI - They don't do the double D system anymore, they just keep counting up the letters. So, I'm five cup sizes bigger than I was before (and 2 underwear sizes, but let's not go there). Of course, in a few months this won't seem so bad. Sophia will be eating on some type of schedule, she'll be taking bottles some of the time, and I'll be used to my new XL wardrobe. Plus, I'll enjoy curling up each night to reconnect with her after a long day's absence. Still, right now those days seem like they are so far away, and I'm very tired. I think it's time to start her on a bottle before I lose my mind.

As bad as it sounds, I would never consider not breastfeeding. Shockingly, the advantages really do outweigh all of these disadvantages, I swear.


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