Evaluating the Value of Work
I don’t write about the work/family topic as much as I should. If I wrote about it in proportion to the amount that I think about it, I would have a blog on the subject every day. These are the questions that I most often grapple with:
- Will my children be better or worse off for me having worked during their childhood?
- Will I look back at my life and regret spending all my working hours away from them?
- Do I even have it in me to stay home with them every day?
- Can a teacher at a daycare or preschool teach them more than I can?
- Am I going to have discipline problems with them because their parents aren’t around enough to offer that steady hand?
- Am I a better mother for trying to do it all even if I’m not always successful?
- Will my daughter(s) look up to me and respect me more for working?
- Can I even afford to stay home?
- Am I being selfish for wanting to work?
- Would I become Bree Hodge (formerly Bree Van de Camp) if I stayed home?
I ask myself these questions every single day. Usually multiple times a day. There are times when I think that I’ve absolutely made the right choice, and others when I think that I’m ruining everything, mostly my child. I guess that the most frustrating part is that I’ll never know what the answers are. All I can do is try to achieve the best balance that I can and be flexible in case my family needs me to make a change one way or the other.
I hope that one day Hailey and her yet unborn sibling(s) will read this and understand how difficult the decision is. Well, one day they'll understand because they'll probably go through it themselves. That's a scary thought.
posted by Alisa Hamilton @ 1:04 PM
6 Comments:
At 1:07 PM ,
Peter P said...
OK, here's what I think...for what it's worth:
There are no easy answers or one-size-fits-all solutions. What I believe is that you have to do what you need to do as a person, or you will regret it and (in a very small way, perhaps) resent your child for forcing you to be who you are not. On the other hand, you DO have to recognize that sacrifices must be made elsewhere in order to keep a balance. So you can't just throw caution to the wind and do whatever the hell you want without regard for consequences...which, of course, you know. As you've discovered, babies change everything, but they also make you prioritize so you really know what's worth fighting for and what you can easily let go. I think your own personal fulfillment is always worth fighting for, and I think Hailey would/will agree. She will admire you for "doing it all" while never depriving her of your attention when it really matters and, after she finishes hating you - around age 14, she will continue to love you.
And don't worry about your children turning out all right. It's not being a working mom that screws up kids - there are tons of other factors that you have to guard against! You look at a "child gone wild," and I bet there are a lot of other places where things went more wrong. If you raise your child with all of the love that I know you have in you, and you are smart about discipline, rules, honesty, and trust, then she/he/they will be the kind of person you always hoped you'd raise. No matter how often they're under someone else's influence, you make SURE that you are the primary influence, and you consistently model the right behavior.
Besides...the very fact that you think about this so much proves that you are a wonderful mother...the kids will recognize it too.
Love,
Dad
At 5:54 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Well your Dad has pretty much covered everything so there isn't much more to say. Always do your best and keep asking the questions. I really don't think its how much time your with your kids everyday its the quality of time, the example you set, the consistency in your rules. After spending time with 21 second graders I can tell you it's not whether the moms work its how they are being raised, the attention they get, the discipline they get at home and the love and respect. Whatever your decisions I know you'll keep a good balance and you'll always be there for Hailey and company. You're a wonderful mom and you'll only get better. You'll always have regrets and guilt you just have to move past it and keep going. I still do at times. You never stop asking what if...
Love mom
At 12:15 PM ,
jbvenezia said...
Alisa, you should read the book titled FREAKONOMICS by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner. The whole book is good and there are two chapters on parenting that were quite surprising, at least to me.
I won't give you all of the background, but here are 8 things that they say DON'T matter in raising a "successful" child:
1. The child's family is intact.
2. The child's parents recently moved into a better neighborhood.
3. The child's mother didn't work between birth and kindergarten.
4. The child attended Head Start.
5. The child's parents regularly take him to museums.
6. The child is regularly spanked.
7. The child frequently watches television.
8. The child's parents read to him nearly every day.
And here are 8 that DO matter, according to their statistics:
1. highly educated parents
2. parents have high socioeconomic status
3. mother was thirty (or close) or older at the time of her first child's birth
4. low birth weight (negative correlation)
5. parents speak English at home
6. child is adopted (negative correlation)
7. parents are involved in the PTA
8. many books in the home
They explain why each one makes sense and I found it fascinating. You would like it.
There bottom line is this: "If you are smart, hardworking, well educated, well paid, and married to someone equally fortunate, then your children are more likely to succeed. Nor does it hurt, in all likelihood, to be honest, thoughtful, loving, and curious about the world. But it isn't so much a matter of what you DO as a parent; it's who you are."
Of course, nothing guarantees that a child will be happy - but, hell, why wouldn't Hailey be happy? She has a loving family and good genes and, from the looks of all the pictures and reports, a sunny disposition.
The reality now days is that most families need two people working to provide what they'd like to provide for their kids. Enjoy the time you have with Hailey and don't worry about the time you don't have. You and Molly sure turned out great and you both went to Day Care, public schools, and had both parents working. To me, the greatest gifts, aside from love, that you can give a child are adaptability and independence. Both are more difficult for a child to achieve with a parent hanging over them all the time.
You're doing good, kid! You have a lot to offer the world and you would cheat that if you stayed home. You'd also lose your mind - just like Bree :-)
The Great Oz has spoken!
Love you,
Aunt Joan
At 12:49 PM ,
Alisa Hamilton said...
Wow! These are the best comments that I've ever had on an entry. And, as a bonus, they make me feel better. I will have big news to report. So, stay tuned!!!
At 5:41 AM ,
ann said...
Ok - My turn...I feel the need to add my 2 cents for what it's worth. I've been a stay at home mom and a working mom. Both are difficult but I choose working, and here's why...Although I'm glad I was able to stay at home with the kids during their formative years, (I think ever woman should have that choice) I do regret leaving my career for that length of time. Somehow, by staying at home I think you lose a part of yourself. Your whole world is your kids. That might not be a bad thing, but you forget about yourself, your own needs and dreams. Instead, you start living your life through your kids dreams. Here I am, having been out of the workforce for 10+ years and I'm finding you can't pick up where you left off. I'm starting over at the ripe old age of....well, you know.
I think the key is finding balance. It's not quantity of time you spend with your kids it's quality. Make the most of your time as a family. I think Hailey and the kids to follow will admire your efforts.
From her smiling face, I think you're doing a wonderful job. Hailey may not notice now, but she will...Until then, you've got a circle of people who love you and admire you and are so very proud of you!
At 11:14 AM ,
nro said...
since i don't yet have kids (and everyone else has already posted eloquent, serious answers), i would like to offer this: i do not see you ever turning into bree hodge (nee van de kamp) - granted, the red hair may be the same, but i never got a basket of muffins when i moved into the dorm room down the hall, so i think you are safe on that concern. cross it off your list. :)
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